Two Lives

Life was dawdling along randomly in spite of conscious efforts to infuse some purpose into it. And from nowhere came a fresh promise; not the kind of prospect I was hoping for, but something that made all else seem less important. A space of boundless beatitude. It was pristine. Beckoning. I took the plunge. And almost instantly, I was questioning the sagacity of my decision. It wasn't wrong. But was it prudent? Was the splendour skin deep? Had the convolutions of life consumed even this space? To my dismay, I discovered the answer was an unrelenting "yes"! I could've wriggled out of the situation and assumed an indifferent demeanour. But I didn't want to quit. I had come with certain expectations and the reality was far from them. But how difficult would it be to restructure the entire design to fit my aspirations? Why give up on the larger good wrangling over petty issues? Why not use the blessing of a conscience to work out a feasible solution instead of being primitive? It was these questions that made me persist with the "status quo". But discord continued to resurface with an amazing promptness, often bringing all other occupations to a standstill and assuming the stature of the single most important aspect of life. I found myself becoming growingly intolerant of having to make such accommodations. I had other schemes to pursue and that was becoming exceedingly tough given my predicament. I had to give up.  Giving up wasn't easy. But then, I thought, it was hard enough to deal with one life. Why would I want to live two?! 

At Life's Crossroads

It's probably the right time to sit down and take stock of how my life is poised. I can clearly recognize this to be a transitional period - one phase leading to another. Change is in the air, and I welcome it wholeheartedly, while being prudent of the demanding nature of the course that lies ahead. Though the prospect of what's in store seems exciting, I deem it necessary to reflect on those many anxious months that led up to this day.

They were tough! I'd believed the words of a supposed trustworthy troupe. I'd thought I earned it and that I deserved to be a part of it. Sure enough, I was left to deal with the disappointment of a promise not kept and those many other emotions that accompany it. Soon, I found myself knocking on the doors of the troupe's cousins, and each of them found a reason to shut their doors on me. It is said that it takes courage to knock again. But I thought that would be more on the lines of desperation than courage. I told myself that I didn't need to be let in. If it wasn't going to come easy, then I would go get it the hard way. I realized nothing in life could be taken for granted. I decided to pre pone a certain plan that I had for the future and started working on it. I had the time for it. I could give it my best shot and see where it could take me.

The days that followed were difficult. Looking back and pondering on what made them difficult, I find two reasons. One was the fact that I could not come to terms with the situation I found myself in. The other, of course, was the discomfort caused by the peering looks and enquiries of fellow earthlings; they become especially interested in you when they figure out that you would rather want to be left alone. Now wait! Who said I am complaining! After all, I am a 'social' being, and that's my problem! Ain't it?!

Whether or not I felt pleasant about how life was treating me, work needed to be done. If I worked, I at least had a chance. So I stuck to the work at hand. Did I slog? No! Did I lose sleep? Definitely not. Did I recreate? I sure did! But, I also worked. I had to. Everyone has to (though they can choose to deny it).

The process was long and the competition stiff. And I wasn't particularly confident of my abilities. But I didn't drop out of the system. I wouldn't call it perseverance. But I did hang on. And when the process ended and the result was announced, I was sitting pretty. Now, did I deserve what I got? Was it for good that the troupes shut their doors on me? Was this destiny? I do not know! I just know that I've been presented with a very good opportunity, and I shall work to make the best of it.

As I stand at a crossroads of life, I realize that life's dualities need to be accepted and appreciated. It is probably these contrasting experiences and feelings that makes life worth the effort of living through it! Each of them has a certain lesson to teach, and each such lesson helps in guiding us through every subsequent journey in life, until we hit the next crossroads...