Two Lives

Life was dawdling along randomly in spite of conscious efforts to infuse some purpose into it. And from nowhere came a fresh promise; not the kind of prospect I was hoping for, but something that made all else seem less important. A space of boundless beatitude. It was pristine. Beckoning. I took the plunge. And almost instantly, I was questioning the sagacity of my decision. It wasn't wrong. But was it prudent? Was the splendour skin deep? Had the convolutions of life consumed even this space? To my dismay, I discovered the answer was an unrelenting "yes"! I could've wriggled out of the situation and assumed an indifferent demeanour. But I didn't want to quit. I had come with certain expectations and the reality was far from them. But how difficult would it be to restructure the entire design to fit my aspirations? Why give up on the larger good wrangling over petty issues? Why not use the blessing of a conscience to work out a feasible solution instead of being primitive? It was these questions that made me persist with the "status quo". But discord continued to resurface with an amazing promptness, often bringing all other occupations to a standstill and assuming the stature of the single most important aspect of life. I found myself becoming growingly intolerant of having to make such accommodations. I had other schemes to pursue and that was becoming exceedingly tough given my predicament. I had to give up.  Giving up wasn't easy. But then, I thought, it was hard enough to deal with one life. Why would I want to live two?! 

At Life's Crossroads

It's probably the right time to sit down and take stock of how my life is poised. I can clearly recognize this to be a transitional period - one phase leading to another. Change is in the air, and I welcome it wholeheartedly, while being prudent of the demanding nature of the course that lies ahead. Though the prospect of what's in store seems exciting, I deem it necessary to reflect on those many anxious months that led up to this day.

They were tough! I'd believed the words of a supposed trustworthy troupe. I'd thought I earned it and that I deserved to be a part of it. Sure enough, I was left to deal with the disappointment of a promise not kept and those many other emotions that accompany it. Soon, I found myself knocking on the doors of the troupe's cousins, and each of them found a reason to shut their doors on me. It is said that it takes courage to knock again. But I thought that would be more on the lines of desperation than courage. I told myself that I didn't need to be let in. If it wasn't going to come easy, then I would go get it the hard way. I realized nothing in life could be taken for granted. I decided to pre pone a certain plan that I had for the future and started working on it. I had the time for it. I could give it my best shot and see where it could take me.

The days that followed were difficult. Looking back and pondering on what made them difficult, I find two reasons. One was the fact that I could not come to terms with the situation I found myself in. The other, of course, was the discomfort caused by the peering looks and enquiries of fellow earthlings; they become especially interested in you when they figure out that you would rather want to be left alone. Now wait! Who said I am complaining! After all, I am a 'social' being, and that's my problem! Ain't it?!

Whether or not I felt pleasant about how life was treating me, work needed to be done. If I worked, I at least had a chance. So I stuck to the work at hand. Did I slog? No! Did I lose sleep? Definitely not. Did I recreate? I sure did! But, I also worked. I had to. Everyone has to (though they can choose to deny it).

The process was long and the competition stiff. And I wasn't particularly confident of my abilities. But I didn't drop out of the system. I wouldn't call it perseverance. But I did hang on. And when the process ended and the result was announced, I was sitting pretty. Now, did I deserve what I got? Was it for good that the troupes shut their doors on me? Was this destiny? I do not know! I just know that I've been presented with a very good opportunity, and I shall work to make the best of it.

As I stand at a crossroads of life, I realize that life's dualities need to be accepted and appreciated. It is probably these contrasting experiences and feelings that makes life worth the effort of living through it! Each of them has a certain lesson to teach, and each such lesson helps in guiding us through every subsequent journey in life, until we hit the next crossroads...      

What we desire...

It's good to be free. We all want freedom. But freedom from what? Constraints, of course. We all know that. But what most of us fail to recognise is the scope and reach of the idea of 'constraints' as used in this context. We may have dreamt of a beautiful future. Under certain circumstances, that dream may come crashing down. What would we feel during such a situation? Disappointment. Distress. Frustration. Anger. Despair. Dejection. I think we would also feel a certain sense of freedom - that of being freed from the pressures of having to work toward that dream. People have spoken about the need to have big dreams and to work toward them with zeal. Looking at it from another perspective (at the risk of being branded a cynical pessimist), are we not burdening ourselves with a huge responsibility of realizing our dreams? So, when a stage is reached where the dreams cannot come true (fine, nothing is impossible and all that, but there are times when certain things cannot happen without certain compromises, and it is very much possible that certain individuals would not be willing to make those compromises), aren't we being freed of a certain load? Isn't that a certain kind of freedom? So, maybe things like being fired, breaking up, getting broke etc. aren't really that bad. Maybe, they only give us what we all most desire...

P.S. : I am not theorizing anything here. This is just a small thought. And I am not saying that it is useless to have dreams. Rather, I am suggesting there is a life even beyond what one considers one's biggest dream.

So, what's the name of the game?

Why do we try to find a pattern to the ways of life when all we have to do is acknowledge a simple fact that it is all random? Given the unconscionable inquisitiveness embedded in us, it is not difficult to understand one's urge to know about one's future - what rank will I get in the second term unit test, where will I earn my first salary, how many of my kids will be female...Since its easy to illustrate the randomness involved in determining the answer to the last question, we'll consider the first one. Unless the kid is talking to one of those deified souls whose minds travel ahead of time, the answer should be "I don't know!". If the person (read father, mother, grandfather and the like) feels slightly more obligated to giving an elaborate reply, it would be something like "Depends on how well you study, [insert the colloquial version of the benign child address] ". So is that it?! Study well and get a good rank? Wish it was that simple! So what else does it take?! To make our job easy, we'll consider all kids of the class to be of equal intelligence. Then, our answer would've to depend on how much the others study, how much the teacher likes our kid, and more importantly, how much she likes the others, how quickly our kid writes his answers (don't forget he's got to complete the paper!), how annoying the 'friend' sitting next to him is, how healthy he is during the tests, how much of what he studied he actually bothered to remember, so on and so forth.

Lame as the previous statement may seem to be, the point being made here is that every small occurrence in our lives is influenced by a myriad factors - few in our control and many beyond us. And most of those factors that are beyond us are at the mercy of fellow humans - Tada! Now we know where they enter our lives! So, determining what would happen to you would essentially have to take into account what would happen to every other individual you encounter throughout your life. Now, how easy is that?! Would your astrologer at least be able to tell you how many people you encountered on your way to his place and how they affected your journey?

The name of the game is 'random'. If you're someone who is really happy about the way your life has turned out, then kid, you're a rare piece! But remember, its random. [Smirk] If you're someone who thinks you've not got your due, well then join the club! In either case, my dear fellow being, get a life and give your astrologer a break. Peace!     

The Doors

Characters in the play:

Man

God

SCENE 1 - A hall. It had far too many doors for a single hall. It was totally empty but for a couple of armchairs. God sat in one of them, an easy relaxed posture, eyes closed, seeming to be at peace with everything. Enter Man - hurried steps -  looks tense and anxious.

Man: God! I am so damn sorry! I am late! I kinda got stuck.

[ God looks up at the Man, smiles and gestures him to the other chair]

God: Son, what is 'late'?

[ Man takes the chair]

Man: God, I know you're being sarcastic and rightly so. But I really got stuck. I tried my best!

God: That's fine son. But that doesn't explain what 'late' is.

Man: Please God! I said I am sorry! I really am!

God: I understand you beg my forgiveness for whatever reason. And I grant it to you. I like you, son. So please relax and be kind enough to let me know what the word means.

Man [irritated] : Okay!! When you are 'late', it means you are not 'in time'!

God: Hmmm...very interesting. You're late if you're not in time. But then son, what is 'time'?

Man: God, enough of this! Life's pissed me enough already. You don't want to play your part in it!

God: Look kid, I am not here to 'piss' you - whatever that means! Now be polite and tell your God what this time thing is!

Man [fuming] : Okay fine God, fine! [more politely] Time is what you see in your watch! Hours and minutes and seconds. Even days and years! Its like a reference.

God: Hmmm...reference to what kid??

Man: Reference to err...ahem...events! Yes, to events! Actually, a flow of events.

God [laughs] : Reference to a flow of events! You crazy human pricks!

Man [offended] : Okay God! That's enough! Stop acting like you've never heard of 'time' before!

God: What makes you think I would've heard of it before?!

Man: It's not like I am the first human you're meeting!

God: It's not like humans are my only creation! I've got many others to meet!

Man: But we've conquered Earth now! We're prevalent and we dictate things on Earth! How could you've not met more than one of us??

God: Well, I could make sense of most of what you just said, but son, what is 'now'??

Man [infuriated] : Will you please stop it!! This is getting out of hand! I came here for some guidance and peace. Not to be mocked at!!

God: I did not mock at you, kid! Why would I? I told you I really like you. Okay, you seem pretty disturbed. What's it kid?

Man [sighs] : Finally some sanity! Huh well, its my job. And my wife.

God: What about your job, kid?

Man: I lost it!!

God: Oh okay. So, does it matter?

Man [fuming] : Of course it does!! How else do I make money!! Oh wait! You wouldn't know what money means, would you! Just screw it! Yeah, it doesn't matter. Nothing does.

God [smiles] : And your wife?  

Man: Oh she! She left me. She fell in love with some other jerk.

God: Sweet! She fell in love! I always knew that humans would be capable of a lot of love!

Man: What the hell! Have you lost it?!! She's my wife! And she is now with another guy! Do you know what that means!!

God: What, son?

Man [terribly irritated] : It means she's doing stuff out of 'wedlock'!!!

God: Wedlock?! Lock?!! You mean you creatures confine your love to just one person? You reserve love?! That's insane!!

Man [gets up, shouts] : No!! You are insane! I am out of here! Goodbye, God!!

[Man turns around and heads to the door from which he'd entered. He opens it and storms out]

SCENE 2 - Same hall. Man re-enters through another door. He stomps up to God. God remains as he was, eyes closed.

Man [shouts] : Now what on earth was that?!!

God [looks up, smiles] : Oh you're back!

Man [continues shouting] : What was that?!!

God: What, son?

Man: That's not where I came from!!

God: What did you see?

Man: All kinds of hideous creatures and structures I've never seen before! Not even in movies!! What have you done to me?! Are you the real God?! Or are you one of those sorcery guys?! [looks away from God] Christ! Why did I ever come to this madman!

God [counting on his fingers] : Movies, sorcery, Christ...Okay, I am not going to ask you what these mean. But son, I've done nothing to you! It's just that you took the wrong door!

Man [puzzled] : The wrong door?!!

God: Yes son! The wrong door. I'll find you the right one.

[God rose and checked the many doors. As he opened and closed each of them, the Man understood why God seemed to have absolutely no sense of time. It was because there was no 'time'. Time was but a mere human perception that seemed to connect each event to every other event. But in reality, they all occurred together. At once. Each at a certain door]