What we desire...

It's good to be free. We all want freedom. But freedom from what? Constraints, of course. We all know that. But what most of us fail to recognise is the scope and reach of the idea of 'constraints' as used in this context. We may have dreamt of a beautiful future. Under certain circumstances, that dream may come crashing down. What would we feel during such a situation? Disappointment. Distress. Frustration. Anger. Despair. Dejection. I think we would also feel a certain sense of freedom - that of being freed from the pressures of having to work toward that dream. People have spoken about the need to have big dreams and to work toward them with zeal. Looking at it from another perspective (at the risk of being branded a cynical pessimist), are we not burdening ourselves with a huge responsibility of realizing our dreams? So, when a stage is reached where the dreams cannot come true (fine, nothing is impossible and all that, but there are times when certain things cannot happen without certain compromises, and it is very much possible that certain individuals would not be willing to make those compromises), aren't we being freed of a certain load? Isn't that a certain kind of freedom? So, maybe things like being fired, breaking up, getting broke etc. aren't really that bad. Maybe, they only give us what we all most desire...

P.S. : I am not theorizing anything here. This is just a small thought. And I am not saying that it is useless to have dreams. Rather, I am suggesting there is a life even beyond what one considers one's biggest dream.

So, what's the name of the game?

Why do we try to find a pattern to the ways of life when all we have to do is acknowledge a simple fact that it is all random? Given the unconscionable inquisitiveness embedded in us, it is not difficult to understand one's urge to know about one's future - what rank will I get in the second term unit test, where will I earn my first salary, how many of my kids will be female...Since its easy to illustrate the randomness involved in determining the answer to the last question, we'll consider the first one. Unless the kid is talking to one of those deified souls whose minds travel ahead of time, the answer should be "I don't know!". If the person (read father, mother, grandfather and the like) feels slightly more obligated to giving an elaborate reply, it would be something like "Depends on how well you study, [insert the colloquial version of the benign child address] ". So is that it?! Study well and get a good rank? Wish it was that simple! So what else does it take?! To make our job easy, we'll consider all kids of the class to be of equal intelligence. Then, our answer would've to depend on how much the others study, how much the teacher likes our kid, and more importantly, how much she likes the others, how quickly our kid writes his answers (don't forget he's got to complete the paper!), how annoying the 'friend' sitting next to him is, how healthy he is during the tests, how much of what he studied he actually bothered to remember, so on and so forth.

Lame as the previous statement may seem to be, the point being made here is that every small occurrence in our lives is influenced by a myriad factors - few in our control and many beyond us. And most of those factors that are beyond us are at the mercy of fellow humans - Tada! Now we know where they enter our lives! So, determining what would happen to you would essentially have to take into account what would happen to every other individual you encounter throughout your life. Now, how easy is that?! Would your astrologer at least be able to tell you how many people you encountered on your way to his place and how they affected your journey?

The name of the game is 'random'. If you're someone who is really happy about the way your life has turned out, then kid, you're a rare piece! But remember, its random. [Smirk] If you're someone who thinks you've not got your due, well then join the club! In either case, my dear fellow being, get a life and give your astrologer a break. Peace!     

The Doors

Characters in the play:

Man

God

SCENE 1 - A hall. It had far too many doors for a single hall. It was totally empty but for a couple of armchairs. God sat in one of them, an easy relaxed posture, eyes closed, seeming to be at peace with everything. Enter Man - hurried steps -  looks tense and anxious.

Man: God! I am so damn sorry! I am late! I kinda got stuck.

[ God looks up at the Man, smiles and gestures him to the other chair]

God: Son, what is 'late'?

[ Man takes the chair]

Man: God, I know you're being sarcastic and rightly so. But I really got stuck. I tried my best!

God: That's fine son. But that doesn't explain what 'late' is.

Man: Please God! I said I am sorry! I really am!

God: I understand you beg my forgiveness for whatever reason. And I grant it to you. I like you, son. So please relax and be kind enough to let me know what the word means.

Man [irritated] : Okay!! When you are 'late', it means you are not 'in time'!

God: Hmmm...very interesting. You're late if you're not in time. But then son, what is 'time'?

Man: God, enough of this! Life's pissed me enough already. You don't want to play your part in it!

God: Look kid, I am not here to 'piss' you - whatever that means! Now be polite and tell your God what this time thing is!

Man [fuming] : Okay fine God, fine! [more politely] Time is what you see in your watch! Hours and minutes and seconds. Even days and years! Its like a reference.

God: Hmmm...reference to what kid??

Man: Reference to err...ahem...events! Yes, to events! Actually, a flow of events.

God [laughs] : Reference to a flow of events! You crazy human pricks!

Man [offended] : Okay God! That's enough! Stop acting like you've never heard of 'time' before!

God: What makes you think I would've heard of it before?!

Man: It's not like I am the first human you're meeting!

God: It's not like humans are my only creation! I've got many others to meet!

Man: But we've conquered Earth now! We're prevalent and we dictate things on Earth! How could you've not met more than one of us??

God: Well, I could make sense of most of what you just said, but son, what is 'now'??

Man [infuriated] : Will you please stop it!! This is getting out of hand! I came here for some guidance and peace. Not to be mocked at!!

God: I did not mock at you, kid! Why would I? I told you I really like you. Okay, you seem pretty disturbed. What's it kid?

Man [sighs] : Finally some sanity! Huh well, its my job. And my wife.

God: What about your job, kid?

Man: I lost it!!

God: Oh okay. So, does it matter?

Man [fuming] : Of course it does!! How else do I make money!! Oh wait! You wouldn't know what money means, would you! Just screw it! Yeah, it doesn't matter. Nothing does.

God [smiles] : And your wife?  

Man: Oh she! She left me. She fell in love with some other jerk.

God: Sweet! She fell in love! I always knew that humans would be capable of a lot of love!

Man: What the hell! Have you lost it?!! She's my wife! And she is now with another guy! Do you know what that means!!

God: What, son?

Man [terribly irritated] : It means she's doing stuff out of 'wedlock'!!!

God: Wedlock?! Lock?!! You mean you creatures confine your love to just one person? You reserve love?! That's insane!!

Man [gets up, shouts] : No!! You are insane! I am out of here! Goodbye, God!!

[Man turns around and heads to the door from which he'd entered. He opens it and storms out]

SCENE 2 - Same hall. Man re-enters through another door. He stomps up to God. God remains as he was, eyes closed.

Man [shouts] : Now what on earth was that?!!

God [looks up, smiles] : Oh you're back!

Man [continues shouting] : What was that?!!

God: What, son?

Man: That's not where I came from!!

God: What did you see?

Man: All kinds of hideous creatures and structures I've never seen before! Not even in movies!! What have you done to me?! Are you the real God?! Or are you one of those sorcery guys?! [looks away from God] Christ! Why did I ever come to this madman!

God [counting on his fingers] : Movies, sorcery, Christ...Okay, I am not going to ask you what these mean. But son, I've done nothing to you! It's just that you took the wrong door!

Man [puzzled] : The wrong door?!!

God: Yes son! The wrong door. I'll find you the right one.

[God rose and checked the many doors. As he opened and closed each of them, the Man understood why God seemed to have absolutely no sense of time. It was because there was no 'time'. Time was but a mere human perception that seemed to connect each event to every other event. But in reality, they all occurred together. At once. Each at a certain door]

Engineered!

Amidst all the uncertainties and disquiets that pervade our lives, we find ourselves at the closure of a significant phase - the significance being gained merely from the amount of time for which it lasted. Looking ahead, some of us feel like being at the brink of a plunge into the infinite opportunities that a seemingly bright future holds in store for us. The rest of us are left pondering over what went wrong that wiped us out of the race. Will the wheel keep turning?? We'll have to wait and watch.

Going back to where it all started, we were just a bunch of people who had been led by circumstances to being a part of a single grand scheme - becoming engineers. Some of us always wanted to be here, some never expected to, some never thought we would, and others never wanted to. A good mix of enthusiastic, reluctant and indifferent teens condemning themselves to work toward a common mission - it required blissful optimists to hope for positive results, and those, incidentally, we had in abundance. And if one looked closely enough, one could just about catch a glimpse of the revered 'board' gang break into faint sly smirks at the backdrop of the whole scenario. The rich get richer, the poor get poorer, and jerks become engineers! Oh yes...India is a 'secular' country. Am I a proud Indian or what!!

It took us some time to come to terms with reality; some of us were dealing with the astonishment and the others with the depression. Having completed that successfully, we settled into our new lives and made ourselves comfortable in them. And the wise men thought it wasn't auspicious to start any serious work during the first year, allowing us the extra time to explore all possible ways of bettering the comforts. From here on, no 'time' was going to be auspicious enough. Wise men with too much forethought often miscalculate. Good for us!

As each semester made way for the next, the distinction between consecutive semesters began to blur. What was supposed to be a collection of discrete stages had transformed into a monotonous continuum. We tried to break the boredom through various means; some of us accepted defeat, the others pretended not to. And finally something did break the tedium of our lives - placements! The whole new world of aptitude and GDs and PIs. Or was it new?! Anyway, some of us eased into this new mode of 'worth assessment', while some of us needed to work on it, and the others didn't have to bother. And so the placements happened; some of us got job 'offers' and some of us couldn't and then there was the Great Recession. Thank you!

The closer we got to the end, the farther it seemed to be. The final year project - something that we had all initially looked forward to - now became a mere formality; the biggest hurdle between us and freedom. And the four subjects in the final semester seemed like four hundred! But we valiantly pushed our way through all of them, just as we had for the past four years, to give ourselves our respective best chances of graduating. And now, with the announcement of the results, we have achieved graduation! The process might not have been the best, but the word does bring a smile.        

God Or Nihility

The existence of God has been a bone of contention among the most intellectual of beings ever since the possibility of His existence was thought of. And I am probably the least qualified to even contemplate a subject so intricate and delicate, let alone express opinions about it. Well, now that the disclaimer has been stated, let me put together an assortment of random thoughts on my idea of God.

People hardly need a reason to congregate into factions and get cosy in them. It is like snuggling into your wife's arms and feeling secure(more so because you'll then know where she is). Everyone seconds your thoughts and makes you feel more correct to yourself than you thought you were. And so were formed the factions of Theists and Atheists. While the members of these groups went about displaying their vehemence, there came a new bunch of blokes saying "People! We are agnostic!"(I know its tempting to draw an analogy with the 'Third Front' here). And as the arguments got heated, the intelligentsia turned to the ultimate tool that would lead them to the clincher - Science!

Science provided logical explanations to a myriad questions that had hitherto remained mysteries. It spawned several new questions and then provided even more answers. Things that had seemed abstruse and inexplicable started looking obvious. And yet, there remained certain matters that could not be effectively explained by science. This is where science made provision for God. God became the reason for everything that could not be accounted for by science. And this is what I have a small problem with.

It is said that people considered rain to be a sign from God in ancient times because they found it impossible to explain the cause of such huge amounts of water pouring down from heaven! But as it turned out, rain was just a part of the water cycle. What was credited to God then has now become something that a first grade kid can perceive and appreciate. We could make an exaggerated extrapolation of the same situation to the present time and the future. I know we now speak of the big bang and singularity and an expanding universe and black holes and what not! And it may, therefore, seem ridiculous to compare these to the just mentioned case of 'rain'. But there could well be a time when science becomes capable of explaining the universe in its entirety, without having to accommodate the idea of God in the whole structure. Or it may not, hence leaving the poor human race to keep wondering about His existence.

Now, this brings me to a fundamental question - why do we need God(that is, if you think we do need Him)? When we are to ourselves, estranged from all the noise that the rest of the world is making, we need God to ask Him for things we wish to have and thank Him for what we already have. We look up to Him for help and inspiration in times of distress. We attribute those qualities to Him that we should ideally cultivate in ourselves, and then use Him as a reference to measure what we have become. And hence, the relationship (if one could call it that) we share with God is too personal and individualistic to include the entire universe. We say, "Thank You God for our daily bread". We do not say, "Thank You God for having engineered the big bang and created quarks and mesons and gravitons"!

Irrespective of whether or not God created the universe, the 'God' that we have conceived in our minds, the form that we have given Him, and the features that we associate with Him will not change. The idea of God has been a medium for self-check and a scale for introspection, and it should be only that. Even if, by chance, it does get irrefutably proven that God does exist, He would still remain a fictional entity to us. We would still not be able to see Him or hear Him or feel Him.

A person who has faced constant grief and suffering would probably say 'God does not exist' for he would find it difficult to think of a God who would be so 'cruel' to him. But, at the same time, there would be more fortunate souls who have their own reasons to believe in His existence. So, the result (whatever it may be) of the great confabulation notwithstanding, people shall cling on to their notions of the Almighty's actuality - the whole idea is exclusive, not generic.

The Premier Halls of Ivy

As the ephemeral brume made way for the oblique rays, as the post daybreak sonorities transpired, as nature and its habitants prepared for the possible contingencies of yet another day, I would walk in. I always made it a point to be there much earlier than was required. I loved what it felt like to be alone in that vast expanse - a feeling of being the sole possessor of it all - and to be the first. Those few moments of solitude and silence, that would gradually be encroached by the cliques and their intonations, were probably indicative of the accommodations that I would have to make in my life for reasons beyond myself.

I had lived through various stages of my life there. It was a continuous process of change during which ignorance made way for knowledge, bewilderment for understanding, chaos for orientation, and purity for filth. Every state was transient; change was constant. I saw and conceived the same things in different ways as the years went by. There was a period of childish indifference during which remarkably insignificant and inconsequential things mattered the most. This was followed by a stage when I became painfully aware of the more important aspects of life, which then led to an even more excruciating concept of comparisons with peers. Now, everything was relative - competition it was. It was a period of adolescent petulance at every constructive development that occurred in a friend's continuance. And, all along, the tutors became less of unapproachable vicious individuals and more of bounteous warm characters.

What had seemed to be perpetual and everlasting came to an abrupt and unexpected end. What made me allow that to happen, I still do not grasp. They had said, "Step Forth, Tomorrow Is Yours"; I had said, "I am coming back". He had said, "As we stand at the edge of the cliff of uncertainty, we dare you to push us..."; I had said, "Not yet!". And out of the blue came the bitter realization of not being there anymore - of not being a part of it. It is the only place I miss being in; it is the only place I wish I could go back to; it is the only part of my life that I would want to relive.

Far away as I may be from you, mine shall still be the grand old rule - On Straight On!   

Fountainhead

You had waited long, through the insolent stares and the impudent confab of the callous clan. But you hadn't given up hope. And it happened, as it does, and should, to all the honourable and righteous souls - you deserved it more than anyone. Its fascinating how you do it; confine your life to a single purpose and see the entire world through it. You derived the pleasures of living through authoring and nurturing another. You experienced the manifold emotions even before your essay developed a sense of feeling. And you were there always; you gave it life and form and purpose - you paved the path, you showed the way. Even when the plebeian horde disdained and scoffed, you stood by and comforted. And when they praised and blessed, your contentment - that quite ecstasy - laid bare the pride you took in your work. An epitome of all benevolence and magnanimity, you have been a grand creator - an architect of life. 

The Clairvoyant And The Misanthrope

While probing into the root causes of all conflict, and the subsequent anguish and misery, I find it difficult to discount the effect of the flagrant interference of people in each others' lives. Why attach such an inordinate significance to another person's affairs when you've got your own to bother with?! I cannot help but be enticed by the thought of a world in which every entity existed by itself - may not be in total independence, but at least free of constant trespassing into one's seclusion and peace. A world  where everything was more absolute than relative; more self-centered - not in the context of greed or selfishness, but in a way that makes one almost oblivious to the details of another's existence.

Would such an arrangement have a provision for friendship and love and compassion?? Probably not. But, neither would there be enmity and hatred and envy. Would humanity buy that? Would we be prepared to trade love, benevolence, kindness and mercy for a guarantee against abhorrence, violence, spleen and misery? Is 'nothing' better than a coexistence of both the good and the bad?! Would we rather not be liked than be loathed?!

Now, this consideration brings an interesting thought. What would happen in such a world if one found another dying? Would we now have to introduce clauses that would describe our moral course of action under exceptional situations?? Then, how would we qualify an occurrence as 'exceptional'? Do we classify all plausible circumstances into those where people should intervene in each other's lives and those where they should'nt? That would be equivalent to saying 'Only congeniality between people allowed' - a blatant violation of the basic necessity of balance and symmetry in life! So, in our new world, if someone is dying, we would have to leave him there, and not even hope that he has a strong will to live.

The realization of the coldness and the depravity and the malice that would be inherent in my fantasized world brings me crashing back to the 'real' world. Maybe this is how it ought to be. Maybe there is no easier or better structure. Maybe I should just walk back into the peering looks and the curious gazes, and either ignore them or feel naked again...SIGH! 

Nice Speaking To You

Much as the anxieties about the upshot of the day filled us, we tried to remain poised and collected. We spoke of movies, and college, and interests, and of the proceedings of the day - a day that had assumed the quality of being a decisive juncture in our lives. We sat, we stood,  we walked around - we waited.

Life had been a mere wait for a long time then. I had trudged along the seemingly eternal and monotonous path of life, dunked in melanchony. Vast stretches of emptiness besieged me and I dragged myself along aimlessly - with no purpose; solely existing. I yearned for some light - for direction - in this void, to know where I was headed. Even if it meant cantering through the unbounded wilderness, I wanted a destination.

And this day could show it to me. I had answered questions, solved puzzles, and had spoken about myself. I had cruised through the stages, much to my awe. The result was all that was left  to unfold. 'Would tomorrow be a different day - filled with hope and possibilities and anticipation - or would I be condemned back to the mundane desolation?'

They emerged from the discussion room and announced our names. Its amazing how the most significant and important moments in life occur in such a simple and obvious manner, leaving you overwhelmed; life is the funniest thing I've known.  Was it a reward? Or was it some kind of vindication? Was it just an opportunity presented to prove my worth? Or had I suddenly got lucky?! I do not know, and it does not matter; for now I know where I am headed.

Coffee, Games And Honey Bunny!

They were playing Balloon Cup and he was winning; but neither thought of the game. The last few days had been difficult. They had fought and cried and made up and fought again. He had been harsh and relentless. She had been obstinate and defensive. He had kept it to himself while she had let it disseminate. It became well-known and this infuriated him further. But he chose to not make an issue of it; he swallowed it. Nevertheless, it had its effect in adding to the uneasiness that had enveloped their world.

This meeting was meant to sort things out and put their disoriented lives back on track. It hadn't begun well. He had found a new reason to unleash his acrimony. Balloon Cup kept them there; strange because it didn't matter to either of them that they were playing it.

A feeling of guilt had cropped up within him and it was growing; he knew he had hurt her and felt pain because he loved her. He gazed at her and wished for a life that was simple; uncomplicated.

And just then, she giggled - a short child-like giggle. What had amused her he knew not. But that one moment - that single sight - brought to him a certain cognizance that drove away the deluge of qualms and dubeity and ambivalence that had crept into his mind. He was freed of these now.

He leaned across, seized her and drew her toward him and held her tight. She buried her face in his chest and wept. He thought of how vulnerable she was and that made him want to protect her all the more. And now, nothing mattered more than to be together - they had coffee, they played more games, and they kissed.  

250 Registration 400 per Month

The air was hot and heavy. 'Jai Ho' played on the radio. It seemed like the song forced its way through the space between the speaker and me. Every breathe had to push the air away while trying to diffuse into and become a part of the cubic atmosphere. Everything seemed to need an extended effort around here.

And here he stood - a picture of absolute defiance. His mind had chosen to ignore the protests of his heart and his body. They had soon given in. The mind had triumphed and everything else had to submit and comply. And he was not alone. There were many of his kind, working independently, and yet - in some strange way - collectively, like painting together an illustration showing what only they were capable of.

I was sweating. I knelt and looked around. It felt odd. I wondered what I was doing there. I was inside that place, but wasn't a part of it; I didn't belong there.

They had done a good job. In doing what only they could, they had made me realize what I couldn't. And I was glad to learn that. I hadn't tried it before and I wouldn't try it ever again. What lay in between was Rs. 250 for Registration and Rs. 400 for a month.